Can't Believe I Did That!!!!!

I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST DID THAT!  How could I be so stupid?! What is wrong with me?!  UGH!

How many times have you felt that way?   You were in a hurry and locked your keys in your car. You misplaced your keys for the 1,000,0001 time.  You ate that big brownie even though you had been eating healthy for months.  You spent the money. You went to the place. You did the thing.

How many times?

How many times have you felt the buyer's remorse?  That feeling in the pit of your stomach that makes you feel it necessary to punish yourself.   That feeling that makes you so mad at yourself you want to scream.  That stupid decision or behavior that makes it impossible to forgive yourself.

How many times?

How many times have you wallowed in it?  How long has it taken you to move on, get over, and forgive yourself?  It is harder to forgive yourself than anyone else.  How many times have you made yourself linger in the misery of what you did?

How many times?

Sin works the same way.  When we fail God we often want to punish ourselves.  How many times have you failed to do some good deed that you could have done? How many times have you been guilty of gossip even though you swore you wouldn't?  How many times have you been a victim to that little thorn in your side (you favorite sin) that just won't go away?

How many times?

How many times will you give up?  I already ate that brownie, I'll quit trying!  I sinned when I didn't want to. I might as well forget it, I can't live right!  God must be mad at me.  I feel guilty enough already.  I'm going to hide from God for a while.

How many times?

How many times will you let one defeat turn into more? That is what happens when we let the enemy convince us that we should wallow in condemnation. In Matthew 26:41, Jesus says, "The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.   Romans 8:1 teaches that there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. 

How many times?

Will you let failures, short-comings, and mistakes get you off course?  How many times will you let them ruin the plan God has for you?  We should do our best not to sin because we love Jesus and we want God's perfect will for our lives. 

How many times?

How many times will you brush your shoulders off and get back up?  Proverbs 24:16 "For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again: but the wicked shall fall into mischief.”   The Bible never says you won't fail.  It says you will get back up.

How many times? 

How many times will you forget that it isn't about your goodness, your works, or your perfection?  It is about the grace and mercy of Jesus.  If we were capable of perfection Jesus would have never needed to die for us.   

Stop being mad at yourself.  Being mad at yourself won't get the car unlocked, find your keys, or put the brownie back.  You can't change what happened. You can change what you do during the moment you are in. 

https://youtu.be/mNkDdXhjFy0?t=1m6s

Find Your Roar

If I was roaming about and heard a lion roar, I’d be scared. You would be too, don't play.   If that same lion was there and didn’t roar I may not notice him.

Confidence is a lot like a lion’s roar.   If you have it, other people are sometimes intimidated.  If you don’t have it, you sometimes wonder if you are noticed.

A lion must roar because a lion is a lion.  We must be confident in who we are because God made us, and God doesn’t make mistakes.  

I’m an extrovert, mostly.  I wasn’t shy, but I’ve always needed alone time. Writing and the outdoors were and are a refuge for me.

 In school, I sometimes lacked confidence and latched onto my introverted side.  

In school, I found my roar in sports, academics, and what my son calls being “extra”.  I wanted to get the grade, win the game, or always have some sort of advantage.  

In early adulthood, I found my roar in having a positive attitude and career achievements.

I use the word found loosely. Picture a baby lion. Think of Simba from the Lion King movies. See him try to roar?  Now picture Simba when he really found his roar.  See the difference?

The things I did to feel confident, to convince myself that I was enough, to make myself secure in who I was, they were like Simba and his baby roar.  They were a pitiful mask for true confidence.

Confidence is not arrogant.  Truly confident people are humble and show their humility to others.

True confidence is knowing that God designed you with a purpose and on purpose. It is believing that your passion, talents, and even weaknesses are for a reason.  You will reach your fullest potential when you embrace who God designed you to be.  

True confidence is being secure. True confidence is an exercise of faith.

Faith is believing even before you see the evidence.

You get to be you!  A lion roars because he is a lion.  Simba never needed to search for his roar. He was able to roar because it was within him all along.

God has equipped you with everything you need.  Embrace your strengths, recognize your weakness, and find the work that fills your joy.  

When you will do that, you will find your roar.  

Terri Savelle Foy has a great video on discovering why you were born, your purpose:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MrWazOTFznk#action=share

I hear you, Preacher

I’ve been talking a lot lately about my porch swing moments.  Have a seat on the porch swing of my life and let me tell you a story about a preacher.

“I believe in giving flowers to people while they are alive.  It doesn’t do any good to wait til’ they're gone and send them to the funeral home.  They won’t see them then. What I mean by that is if you want someone to know you care, show them while you have a chance. Do it while they are alive. It’s too late when people are gone.”  Rev. Earl Ray Johnson

That may not be an exact quote but that is the way I still hear it.

I hear you, preacher.

When I was a very small child, I remember someone said, “That man couldn’t read or write til’ he met Jesus. Once he did that brother could, sure enough, read the Bible and boy he can preach too.”   I thought that was strange.  How exactly did he “meet” Jesus?  Oh, and I’m supposed to believe that he just magically could read.  I didn’t know what to think.

We went to a service at this old church.  That preacher was preaching.  He got up there like most other preachers did.  He read the Bible just fine.  He got to going and I guess the spirit came or something and he got excited.  He got so excited in fact he held one hand over one ear, became louder, and literally ran across the pews.  I don’t mean the seats where you put your bottom.  I mean the top of those old wooden pews.  

I hear you, preacher.

When I was 13, I was at an old church.  That preacher was there.  It felt like he was preaching on me. I said on me,not to me.  I truly thought if I didn’t do something I was gonna be lost forever.  I was clinging on to that pew for dear life.  I finally let go and I’m so glad I did.

I hear you, preacher.

When I was 15, I took this boy to a fall festival.  That preacher was there. He didn’t dress like a preacher. He had on a pair of overalls. The boy I brought with me wasn’t much for church or preachers.  I noticed he was standing by the fence talking to the preacher.   I walked over there.  The boy said, “I’ll tell you one thing, if preachers were more like this fella here, I’d even go to church myself.”  That preacher chuckled!  He said, “Son, I reckon I’ll see you on Sunday morning. I’m the pastor here.”  

I hear you, preacher.

All during my life, that preacher was there. I don’t know where you are from but where I’m from when anything happened the preacher was called.  It wasn’t always that preacher but there was always a preacher.   I’m serious.  If someone was born, died, got sick, got married, or even had a picnic a preacher was called.  You didn’t just see your pastor at the church he was a part of your everyday life.

I don’t suppose I ever realized how much time and energy that must have taken.  I don’t suppose I realized how much of his own family time was spent pastoring other families.

I hear you, preacher.

Even today, as I sit here thinking about your life I can still hear you.  I hear your sermons, I see your face, and most of all I feel the message you preached with your life.  Your entire life.

I’ve heard you explain how the light of Jesus that is in you should be like a lighthouse that points other people to Jesus. You can think of it like a landmark.  I’ve heard you say, “The people leading you are not always gonna be there. Somebody else is gonna have to step up and take their place. Will it be you?” (Paraphrased)

I hear you, preacher.

In the future, I hope other people have the honor of having an example like you in their lives.  I know you weren’t Jesus. I’m sure you are human and weren’t as perfect as you were in my mind.   It doesn’t matter.  You were a lighthouse and I know you touched the lives of many.

My life, my entire eternity was changed because you chose to obey God.  Great is your reward! 

I hear you, preacher.

In the end, I know you don’t care about me sending you flowers to your funeral.  You said it many times.  I think telling other people about Jesus and the message you preached for the Kingdom with your life, I think that is what you would want from me.

I hear you, preacher.

This is my tribute to Rev. Earl Ray Johnson. 1936-2018.  I never knew a Godlier man.  Christians, keep going.  You may help shape someone’s eternity the way he did mine.

And so ends this lesson from my porch swing. 

Rev. Earl Ray Johnson

Love or a bad burrito? It’s sure got a hold on me………

Bad Burrito

 Have you ever eaten anything that was good while you were eating it and then a little while later you regretted ever seeing that food? What we think is love can be a lot like that. Hallmark, I love to watch your movies during the Christmas season, but can we be real? That is not love. Love can be more like a bad burrito.

My son’s father and I had been married for a few months. I was pregnant and always hungry. We stopped to grab a snack, Mexican drive-thru. I ate my food. He only ate part of his & he saved it for later. That evening he microwaved his food and ate every bite. Around 3AM I was serenaded by the sound of a slamming door. I got up, walked into my living room, and saw what looked like an ice-cream truck had exploded. It was bad. He had a tall set of custom speakers (this was 17 years ago, bigger was better) those speakers never recovered from that explosion. I asked, “What in the world happened?” He replied, “Don’t ever microwave sour cream that has been sitting out.” That burrito sure had a hold on him.

A bad relationship is worse than a bad burrito. We try so hard and it just doesn’t seem to work. I’m not talking about any old relationship. I’m talking about the relationship, the person, the feeling you can’t seem to shake. Nothing or nobody satisfies the need for them. Nothing or nobody can hurt you the way they do.

Love?
Here are a couple of songs that express what I’m saying:

“Is this love that I’m feeling…. I can’t make it on my own, wasted days, and sleepless nights…..Is this love……Cause it’s sure got a hold on me” – White Snake, Is This Love

“I can only tell you what it feels like and right now it’s like a steel knife in my windpipe….Ever love somebody so much you can barely breath…..& we back into the same patterns….your temper is just as bad as mine… when a tornado meets a volcano” Eminem, Love the Way You Lie

The Notebook
What? This person surely must be your soul mate. It must be true love because you feel it deeply. It must be love, right?
 I had what I thought was my own fairytale version of The Notebook with my first love from high-school. There were many feelings attached to him. It was a rollercoaster from the beginning, I felt like part of me died when it ended, but it didn’t really end. It didn’t end for years. All I had to do was hear his voice and I was that teenage girl all over again. The rollercoaster never changed. We were in no way compatible.  It took a whole lot of years and marrying someone else to completely let go. He was my first experience with what I’m describing. I know some of you, many of you, have been there too.

The Church Boy
Fast-forward through marriage, having a son, divorce, and several years.
I was content. I was what I liked to call numb, feeling-less, and happy. There wasn’t much that affected me. I don’t like drama and I didn’t go looking for trouble, but it found me. I met a guy at church. We became friends. Honestly, friends, not more or less.

Then it changed. Suddenly, there was a rush of emotion. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I hadn’t “felt” anything like this in years. He hurt my feelings. I didn’t know I had feelings. I was shocked. I didn't know how to process feelings.  I let him know he hurt me. He left work and came straight to me. He walked into my office, interrupted my meeting in the conference room, said we needed to talk, and when I walked into the back office with him he hugged me. That began a cycle of attachment, caring, and fights. The story isn’t from Hallmark and the details aren’t necessary.

Everyone else around me could see it. I was mad at them for even breathing negativity about my relationship. I wasn’t going to let go. There were so many people who said they were worried about me. I tried praying about it. God even showed me in my dreams it was an unhealthy relationship. I wouldn’t even listen to God!!! I wanted it.

Soul Ties 

Those songs I mentioned explain well these relationships. The love, attachment, feelings, madness, intensity, or whatever else you might call. You understand if you have felt it. If you haven’t experienced this craziness you won’t understand.

Is it love? If it is not love, what is it?

Have you ever heard of soul ties? https://www.terri.com/4-indicators-of-wrong-soul-ties/, Terri Savelle Foy explains it better than I can. Confusion and misery are two signs of negative soul ties. Sex and controlling relationships are two things that build soul ties. This mess is not love. This is not the way God wants love to feel. A friend of mine has been in a bad relationship off and on for years. She knows it is a negative soul but still breaking it is the hardest thing she has ever done. Another friend is willing to risk whatever it takes to see if her attachment might be real love.

Soul ties are powerful! Negative soul ties are like cancer. They must be removed completely, or they will continue to infect your body and spirit.

 The misery the relationship creates is a good way to know if it’s a negative soul tie. I suppose as a Christian writer it seems odd to quote a rapper. It’s not odd. Negative soul ties aren’t Godly. Eminem explains it best. If you’ve been there, you know.

“Where you going, I’m leaving you, no you ain’t, come back, We’re running right back, Here we go again, It’s so insane, Cause when it’s going good, it’s going great, I’m Superman with the wind at his back, she’s Lois Lane, But when it’s bad, it’s awful……” Eminem, Love the Way You Lie.

You can break free from soul ties. It won't be easy but you can do it with God's help.  If the relationship doesn’t honor what the Bible says love is, it isn’t love. Godly love, marriage, and relationships are a good thing. They are God's will.  It shouldn't be this hard but it is. Protect your soul, your mind, and your life.

 The next time you feel yourself falling ask yourself, is this love or is this a bad burrito?