WORST YEAR EVER! I wish that was an exaggeration. It was without question one of the darkest most challenging years of my life. I was slammed in what seemed like every area. My career did a crazy roller coaster flip before it crashed, my personal life broke my heart, my financial life followed suit with my career, and the absolute worst of all – I felt disconnected from God. My faith was intact, but it was shaken.
I’ve been an insurance agent my entire adult life. My dream was always to own my own agency. Naturally, when I had the opportunity to do so I took the opportunity. Sounds euphoric. It was more like the kind of euphoric you have when you are tripping, and the consequences were as bad as being on illicit drugs. I left a well-paying professional position to open the agency. I had good intentions. I even attributed my decision in large part out of a desire to honor work I wanted to do for God. The agency closed in 2017. I won’t tell the whole story now, but it was a nightmare of Nightmare on Elm Street proportion.
My personal life broke my heart. It happened in many ways and I’m not ready to share that story. There were many days spent crying on the floor. Danny Gokey’s, Tell Your Heart to Beat Again, explains it better than I can:
“You're shattered
Like you've never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be”
My financial life has never been as much of a mess. It’s one of those things where you wake up one morning and think, “How did this even happen?”.
I felt disconnected from God. I mean, I am a child of God so, where is He? I’ve always believed I had God’s favor and provision so where was it? The Word says He will never leave or forsake me. I know I must believe it, but it left me asking, “Where are you, God?”
God answered me:
“I was there. I was in your friends and family. I know you like to feel independent. I know you like to believe that you can do it. I needed you to know you needed me. You also needed the people I blessed you with. I didn't create you to walk through life alone. How many times and how many ways did your friends and family show you my hands and feet?”
And then He said, “I was there. Yes, you felt shattered. Yes, you hurt. Yes, you even mourned. Do you remember the years before when you didn’t even think you had a heart? Do you remember when you cared about people from a distance and you weren’t sure that you were capable of feeling love? I needed you to experience feelings. I needed you to see the bigger picture. This isn’t all about you. I needed you to be able to be hurt and still love. Love is more than a feeling and it doesn’t work the way your culture wants you to believe. Love is long-suffering.”
And He went on to say, “Your security is not money. It is not your career. It is not even in your own ability. Those things are gifts from me. I’ve taught you this lesson before. You needed a refresher. My gifts to you are for my Kingdom. You can’t be selfish with them. “
And then He said, “My child, look over your year. You are focused on the darkness. Look for the light. Tell me the light you see.”
As I sit here and reflect on the past twelve months, I do see some light. A lot of light.
• I see my birthday party and my friends there.
• I see the night of the party and my son is out with family. (Family that isn’t biological family, but they adopted us as a family anyway. )
• I see meals with friends
• I see Stephen Ministry gatherings
• I see friends and kids in the yard
• I see my church
• I see my family
• I see holiday traditions
• I see concerts
• I see my son
• I see hikes, weddings, fairs, and so many events
• I see smiles
• I see friends
I see it. I see the light, it’s the people.
God’s lesson didn’t end there.
“Yes, Child you made mistakes. I know this year has been hard, but it could have been worse. I was protecting you. I was teaching you. I blessed you during the storm. I gave you what you wanted in your heart. You wanted to leave. You wanted to travel. You wanted to run. I let you run and I brought you back. I provided you food and shelter. Yes, I used my people, your friends during this time. You needed to be humbled and they needed to see your weakness. Your strength is and has always been me alone.”
He went on to explain, “I let you go work at Cheddars because you loved serving. It reminded you of who you were. It reminded you of the days you spent asking me to let you work in an office, of the times you wished to own a business, and of the days when nobody believed you could do it. I reminded you, I gave you everything you ever asked me for. It didn’t feel the way you thought it would, but I gave you exactly what you asked for. I have never left you. I love you, my child.”
And finally, I heard my Father say, “Daughter, it is time to stop running. It is time to accept your calling. You know what to do. Walk in the vocation that I have called you to. I will restore you, but you must do this my way. Be of good cheer. I want you to have peace. Be courageous. I am with you. If I am for you who can be against you?”
